RA and ABP.

my name is adrienne. and I have rheumatoid arthritis. 

over the last 8 months I've been struggling with constant pain in most of my joints. In hindsight, I've made the slow progression through levels of pain for the last 18 months, but the intensity peaked in August of 2015. The pain started in my pinkies in the fall/winter of 2014. At first I thought it was from constant txting (could be), and then I thought it was because of the constant cold (probably). The pain would come on early in the morning and late in the evening, so it wasn't enough to notice... in the beginning.

as the months progressed, and the weather warmed, my joint pain gradually increased. I was running around constantly with work, traveling with friends, and training for another half marathon. Again, I contributed the pinky pain to txting and being on the go. But then I started having pain in my toes. Somewhat naively, I thought I kept spraining my big toes in yoga (which I've totally done, multiple times). I thought my other toes ached from the 30-40mile training I was doing weekly. It didn't faze me for a while.

that was until the swelling set in. Towards the end of July and early part of August, my hands had ballooned. My finger pain had spread to all of my digitals, and the pain in my toes spread to my feet and ankles. But the swelling was the worst. My size 8.5 Asics were so tight that my circulation was being cut off. It too was painful to type on the key board. I couldn't wear any rings or watches. Opening jars and turning round door handles was almost impossible. Dicing and mincing veggies and herbs was out of the question. I broke 3 glasses in one week.

the pain, swelling, and inability to manage simple daily tasks wasn't what brought me into the doctor's office. It was my asthma. I was diagnosed with asthma when I was 14; up until that point I had had 5 years of controlled asthma under my belt, with the latter 2 living without the need for a daily corticosteroidal inhaler. All of a sudden, though, I couldn't breath. I was waking myself up wheezing and coughing every night, and couldn't run a half mile without needing my rescue inhaler. So straight to the pulmonologist I went. After explaining my breathing issues, and the physical exam, my physician asked me if I had any other aches and pains that needed to be addressed. I told him about my joint pain and swelling, and he ordered some blood work. Thank goodness he did.

about 5 days later, my doctor calls. He said my rheumatoid factor was double what it should be... for a 50 year old. He sent off my labs to my GP, who referred me to a rheumatologist.

after seeing the rheumatologist, and doing more blood work and x-rays, I finally had a concrete diagnosis. Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA for short). As soon as I was diagnosed, I was immediately started on RA protocol.

having a tangible, albeit unexpected, diagnosis to my months pain made me feel exponentially better. But I'd be lying to say I'm alright.

it sucks. It really sucks. Having RA at 25 years old, is almost soul crushing. I haven't been able to do so many of the things I love to do: run, bike, practice yoga, knit, ski, blog. These things that I love, my favorite things, make up so much of who I am. Not being able to do them has made me feel like I've lost so much of my identity. All because of this disease. I never know how I will feel, day to day. On my best days, I have deep but dampened pain in my fingers and toes. On my worst days, getting out of bed is too much.

seeing the glass half full is a constant struggle. RA is not a death sentence; it is not cancer, it is not paralyzing, it is not world-ending but... Being optimistic sometimes feels impossible. I'm my toughest critic and my biggest hater, so staying positive is a constant battle between my self, my reality, and acknowledging any silver lining.

the struggle has been real.

but there are so many things to be grateful and thankful for. 

first, my friends. They have let me whine, cry, scream, and yell my frustrations about my situation and diagnosis way past being blue in the face. They have called me from Florida, txted me from Chicago, wrote me from New Jersey, and visited me from down the street. They've made the time and effort to reach out and make sure I'm okay. I've said it before, but I have the best friends in the world. And for that, I'm thankful.

second, my coworkers. When you work in the medical field, your job is to take care of your patients. Never did I expect to be taken care of by my coworkers. Every day the techs, nurses, clinicians, and physicians check in on me to see how I'm doing. They always ask how I'm feeling, if I need help, and how they can help. If I can't lift a patient on my own, they're always there to help bear the weight. If I'm exhausted and feeling down, they're always there with a cup of tea and encouraging words. Having such a loving and caring work family makes all the difference when you're aching to the core. And for that, I'm grateful. 

third, and most importantly, my family. The amount of work my parents have put in to finding answers, accommodating, and encouraging me is insurmountable. They help in any and all ways they can; driving me to doctors appointments, making my bed in the morning, packing lunches, bringing me water to take my meds, giving me a little bit of extra love when I need it. Being a parent is the hardest job in the entire world, so the fact that they have gone over and beyond their basic duties is something I will forever be indebted to them for. And for that, I'm thankful.

the last year has been one of the hardest of my life. It has been full of pain, frustration, and questioning. It's bent my faith, and dulled my self-esteem.

but it hasn't broken me. I am far from broken.

my experience with rheumatoid arthritis has changed me. 

rheumatoid arthritis has made me patient.

rheumatoid arthritis has made me resilient.

rheumatoid arthritis has made me stronger than I ever could have been. 


and for that, I'm grateful. 


xoxo,

adrienne. 

sometimes things don't go your way.

... and when they don't, it's hard not to feel defeated. 

what's worse than that: when these things are completely outside of your control. Having control over our bodies, our actions, and our environments gives us peace; knowing the general outcome of events allots us predictability. And predictability breeds comfort.

losing that peace and warmth, though, will rock you to your core. Especially when you know you've done everything right, up to this very moment, in order to prevent something like this from happening.

but you find yourself in this free fall where, just like the Rabbit Hole, you don't know where or when you'll land. All you know is you are not where you are supposed to be, not where you ever thought you would be in your wildest dreams.

and then you hit the bottom. Just like an actual fall, you get hit with the heaviness that you know is coming but is still shocking, nonetheless. You stay there for a moment, allowing the impact to register. And that's when you feel everything shatter.

it starts as one tiny fraying sliver of yourself, but before you know it, you're in a million pieces. Some pieces are bigger than others, but you fear never being able to find those small but significant fragments again.

you see these pieces lying shattered and sprawled out in front of you. And with all of the predictability, control, and love of self... you still don't know where to begin.

or how to begin.

or when to begin. 

but you know you have to. You have to pick up the shards of you, all of them, and put yourself together again. Unlike the nursery rhyme, though, you don't have all the kings horses nor all the kings men to come to your aid and swiftly put you back together again.

you do, however, have purpose. Because there's no way the universe would hit you with such damaging offense without a reason.

and that reason is to share your story. 

by sharing your story, you are sharing your strength.

you are sharing all of the big pieces of yourself that make you who you are.

you are sharing the strain you endured through your journey of not knowing if you're putting the correct pieces in the right places.

you're sharing the energy you had to put out in the face of possible defeat.

you're sharing the scars you'll bare, but will eventually heal all by yourself.

you're sharing the faith you have that those tiny shards of yourself you lost will be replaced by even stronger, smarter, and significant ones.

you're sharing who you truly are. And after fighting this battle, who you actually are now is a hundred times better than who you used to be.

because you are a survivor. 

let's be realistic: 5th week of change.

hi, my name is adrienne and I ate a hotpocket. And it was good. Really good. So good that I almost didn't regret, with 100% of my being, eating it. Almost. I needed to be honest, but... i digress.

ann arbor murals: we named her gloria shakira maria del toro.

now that it's the 5th week of change, I can honestly say that I'm seeing some legitimate change. I obviously still have the some of the same terrible no good fatty  indulgent, 100% human tendencies when it comes to food. I also, though, have a lot of motivation to go try something new, and embrace the growing green gardens of the spring. I feel leaner; it takes far less energy to complete the hardest of tasks, and I greet the easiest ones with gusto.

this past week has been relatively good, all things considered. There were some major ups, and a couple of downs, but plenty of room for growth.

my childhood summed up in one picture: Dairy Deluxe.

for some reason, this past week was crazy stressful with my work. It was just one of those weeks where I started off slightly negative but with every day I ended up in a worse mood. I was in a bit of a funk. I've had a lot on my mind regarding grad school, my career, my relationships, my life. I've been worried about my best friends, and the trials life keeps putting them through. I've been worried about the girls I watch, and how badly I just want them to be okay. The funk I was in took over completely.

yes, i definitely rubbed the buddha belly.

so what did i do? I ran. I definitely pushed my body, 1 week post bed-ridden, harder than I should have. But the runs healed me. I didn't run fast at all (averaged a 10min mile). And I definitely didn't run far (averaged 3.5 miles per run). But I did it. I gave my body and mind exactly what I needed, when I needed it.

i gave myself a major time out. I had lost my presence in my own life. I had lost grip of my dreams, and set in to a stagnant pace. And that's something I hate. So I grabbed a latte, snagged my kindle, and headed out into nature to try to get back to where I needed to be.

everything i needed: sunshine, good reads, and fresh air. 

but what else did I need? A nice day trip to Ann Arbor.

an ann arbor favorite: Frita Batidos.

my classic feast: Frita Batido's chorizo burger w/ fries, and the hibiscus batido (milkshake).

ann arbor, my college town, is where I grew up. Though it was over the course of an undergrad bachelors degree, post-high-school and pre-adulthood, it was where I developed into the person I am today. Check it out if you ever get the chance.

hot guys, cold hand crafted drinks. 

and then the cutest couple you'll ever meet.

post ann arbor, there was some awesome meal prep for the upcoming week. I made some vegan, gluten-free kale falafel bites (the perfect on-the-go food) and a bomb ass natural, skinny margarita. Recipes coming soon!

the falafel mise en place. 

10g of protein, 100% vegan goodness.

because cooking is better with a good German riesling. 

and now, here's my week in review!

weight: stayed the same, but I'm starting to see my hip flexors again! Yay for gains!
food: besides the hotpocket and some pizza, I'd call it a good week.
physical activity: logged about 12 miles, and got in 3 nike training workouts

all-in-all, I'm looking forward to this upcoming week. It luckily won't be another 45 hour week of straight work, but it'll be a great week of working productivity.

shine bright, my diamonds. 

xo.

adrienne.