lupus and ABP

hi everyone!

i hope you're enjoying my favorite season of all: fall! There are few things I love more than crisp air, those October-blue skies, and the sudden burst of flame-colored leaves falling to the ground.

in all the autumnal glory, i thought i'd give an update. Back in February, I shared with you all (the few people who actually read this blog) that I have rheumatoid arthritis. Getting diagnosed with RA, almost a year ago, was pretty harsh news. At 24 years old, I thought my life was over.

but then, another bomb dropped.

lupus.

i have lupus. Before the numb fingers and toes, swollen achey joints, hair loss, fevers, and random rashes, I had absolutely no idea what lupus was. And now almost a year later, I feel like I've barely touched the surface of how deep this disease goes.

lupus is an autoimmune disease. It's not an STD, it's not contagious, and it's technically not going to kill me. Unlike some acquired diseases, lupus is essentially an overactive immune system. My body thinks that my tissues and organs are foreign bodies, and so it attacks them and damages them beyond repair. If anything, my immune system is an over-achiever in self-defense. A for effort, I guess.

my immune system cannot decipher between the good and bad. There's no difference between the flu, and my healthy working kidneys. To my immune system, my joints are the same as the common head cold. According to my body, my 20/20 vision is just as bad as strep throat. Every living bodily cell is bad when you have lupus.

the medications and doctors visits are endless. To date, I'm on 10 daily, maintenance medications. Twice a day. On average, I see three specialists a month (with the increased insurance copay). When I'm flaring up, you can usually throw in some Prednisone or steroid titration packs into the mix, just to get me over the hump. This doesn't include the vitamins, minerals, and other supplements I take. This last week I've been living with walking-pneumonia, bronchitis, and a sinus infection. That's 3 more medications I have to take, just to manage the annual seasonal yuck.

the planning is just as endless, too. I've had to learn to "plan for the unexpected". That fun day trip to the theme-park? Not gonna happen. The weeklong beach vacation with the boyfriend? I'll  be in bed half the time. That midterm? Hope I can make it up. Even just the process of daily living is too hard, sometimes.

you never know what you have until it's gone. Not just prolific lyrics or poetry lines.

after my chest x-rays and exams this week, I came home to my mom, who was eagerly awaiting what the doctors had to say. I turned the kettle on, pulled out some tea, and told her their prognosis.

and then i sobbed. I cried; hard, hot, intense, angry. I bawled. It was the kind of gasping cry; the kind that only comes out, deep down from the depths of your heart, from pure defeat and frustration.

"i can't remember the last time i wasn't sick," i told her. 

for the last year I've spent no more than 6 weeks without a flare up of my lupus, RA, or experiencing the common bug everyone's bound to catch. Yes, some of my flare ups are stress related. And yes, I can control some of my stress. But until you experience the stress you get from stressing about your illness, it's hard to give any sort of guidance or reprieve.

so don't tell me to relax and try to de-stress myself, because Lord knows I'm trying. Don't ask me about my protein. I can promise you I'm getting enough of it.Don't ask me if I'm taking my multi-vitamin, and insinuate that I'm under-nourishing myself.  Don't tell me it could be worse, when I am fully aware of the blessings I do have. And most importantly...

don't cry for me. I am the only one who gets to cry, because this is my life and my experience. . You can cry for me when I'm gone. I don't need tears. When I'm down in my deepest depths of pain, resentment, and frustration, the only thing I need is support.

so support me when i'm my at my worst. 

tell me i'm much stronger than i ever thought i could would be. Tell me I'm beautiful when my hair is falling out and I'm too weak to care for myself. Tell me some good news, when everything I've heard that day is everything less than bleak. Tell me I'm still mildly brilliant, when my lupus fog has clouded my brain so much that I can't articulate my thoughts and feelings.

tell me you love me, when I least deserve it. 

because your support and strength is the only thing i can count on. 

lupus research is in it's infancy. There are a few trials currently being conducted, in order to mange the disease. The key word is manage. The general consensus is that lupus is genetic; and being adopted only complicates the process. I'm open to any thoughts, ideas, or recommendations because... This is my life on the line. Again, lupus won't kill me. It'll probably be pneumonia, the flu, or something of the sort. But I'll be sticking around for the long term. Because as my mom once said...

"If you don't keep moving forward, then what's the point?"

a million thanks, and even more love. 

xoxo,

adrienne. 

RA and ABP.

my name is adrienne. and I have rheumatoid arthritis. 

over the last 8 months I've been struggling with constant pain in most of my joints. In hindsight, I've made the slow progression through levels of pain for the last 18 months, but the intensity peaked in August of 2015. The pain started in my pinkies in the fall/winter of 2014. At first I thought it was from constant txting (could be), and then I thought it was because of the constant cold (probably). The pain would come on early in the morning and late in the evening, so it wasn't enough to notice... in the beginning.

as the months progressed, and the weather warmed, my joint pain gradually increased. I was running around constantly with work, traveling with friends, and training for another half marathon. Again, I contributed the pinky pain to txting and being on the go. But then I started having pain in my toes. Somewhat naively, I thought I kept spraining my big toes in yoga (which I've totally done, multiple times). I thought my other toes ached from the 30-40mile training I was doing weekly. It didn't faze me for a while.

that was until the swelling set in. Towards the end of July and early part of August, my hands had ballooned. My finger pain had spread to all of my digitals, and the pain in my toes spread to my feet and ankles. But the swelling was the worst. My size 8.5 Asics were so tight that my circulation was being cut off. It too was painful to type on the key board. I couldn't wear any rings or watches. Opening jars and turning round door handles was almost impossible. Dicing and mincing veggies and herbs was out of the question. I broke 3 glasses in one week.

the pain, swelling, and inability to manage simple daily tasks wasn't what brought me into the doctor's office. It was my asthma. I was diagnosed with asthma when I was 14; up until that point I had had 5 years of controlled asthma under my belt, with the latter 2 living without the need for a daily corticosteroidal inhaler. All of a sudden, though, I couldn't breath. I was waking myself up wheezing and coughing every night, and couldn't run a half mile without needing my rescue inhaler. So straight to the pulmonologist I went. After explaining my breathing issues, and the physical exam, my physician asked me if I had any other aches and pains that needed to be addressed. I told him about my joint pain and swelling, and he ordered some blood work. Thank goodness he did.

about 5 days later, my doctor calls. He said my rheumatoid factor was double what it should be... for a 50 year old. He sent off my labs to my GP, who referred me to a rheumatologist.

after seeing the rheumatologist, and doing more blood work and x-rays, I finally had a concrete diagnosis. Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA for short). As soon as I was diagnosed, I was immediately started on RA protocol.

having a tangible, albeit unexpected, diagnosis to my months pain made me feel exponentially better. But I'd be lying to say I'm alright.

it sucks. It really sucks. Having RA at 25 years old, is almost soul crushing. I haven't been able to do so many of the things I love to do: run, bike, practice yoga, knit, ski, blog. These things that I love, my favorite things, make up so much of who I am. Not being able to do them has made me feel like I've lost so much of my identity. All because of this disease. I never know how I will feel, day to day. On my best days, I have deep but dampened pain in my fingers and toes. On my worst days, getting out of bed is too much.

seeing the glass half full is a constant struggle. RA is not a death sentence; it is not cancer, it is not paralyzing, it is not world-ending but... Being optimistic sometimes feels impossible. I'm my toughest critic and my biggest hater, so staying positive is a constant battle between my self, my reality, and acknowledging any silver lining.

the struggle has been real.

but there are so many things to be grateful and thankful for. 

first, my friends. They have let me whine, cry, scream, and yell my frustrations about my situation and diagnosis way past being blue in the face. They have called me from Florida, txted me from Chicago, wrote me from New Jersey, and visited me from down the street. They've made the time and effort to reach out and make sure I'm okay. I've said it before, but I have the best friends in the world. And for that, I'm thankful.

second, my coworkers. When you work in the medical field, your job is to take care of your patients. Never did I expect to be taken care of by my coworkers. Every day the techs, nurses, clinicians, and physicians check in on me to see how I'm doing. They always ask how I'm feeling, if I need help, and how they can help. If I can't lift a patient on my own, they're always there to help bear the weight. If I'm exhausted and feeling down, they're always there with a cup of tea and encouraging words. Having such a loving and caring work family makes all the difference when you're aching to the core. And for that, I'm grateful. 

third, and most importantly, my family. The amount of work my parents have put in to finding answers, accommodating, and encouraging me is insurmountable. They help in any and all ways they can; driving me to doctors appointments, making my bed in the morning, packing lunches, bringing me water to take my meds, giving me a little bit of extra love when I need it. Being a parent is the hardest job in the entire world, so the fact that they have gone over and beyond their basic duties is something I will forever be indebted to them for. And for that, I'm thankful.

the last year has been one of the hardest of my life. It has been full of pain, frustration, and questioning. It's bent my faith, and dulled my self-esteem.

but it hasn't broken me. I am far from broken.

my experience with rheumatoid arthritis has changed me. 

rheumatoid arthritis has made me patient.

rheumatoid arthritis has made me resilient.

rheumatoid arthritis has made me stronger than I ever could have been. 


and for that, I'm grateful. 


xoxo,

adrienne. 

the best (vegan) applesauce you've ever had.

one of the best perks about living in michigan: apple season!!

growing up, we had a few apple trees on our property. I can remember picking an apple to nosh on my way to school, making apple jam and butter with my Nana, and falling out of the branches one too many times.

but enough reminiscing.

one of my favorite things to make in the fall is homemade apple sauce. I can't eat raw apples anymore (God decided to bless me with a severe allergy to them, but we'll save that story for another day), so I get my apple fix via some good old sauce. 

this is probably one of my favorites. 

it's also gluten-free, vegan, and easy as pie (horrible, dad-level, pun intended).

here's what you need:

ingredients:

• a whole bunch of apples (fuji apples are my favorite), 3lbs oughtta do it. 
• 1 tsp. cinnamon
• 1/2 tsp. powdered ginger
• 1/4 tsp. nutmeg
• 1/4 tsp. instant espresso
• 1 vanilla bean (curds)

supplies:

• crockpot
• knife
• fruit peeler
• cutting board

and here's what you do:

1. peel the apples, and then rinse them off with cold water. While you're peeling all of the apples, place the ones you've already peeled in a bowl of cold water. This helps them stay fresh and crisp.

2. core 'em, slice 'em, dice 'em. 

3. throw those bad boys into your crockpot, set on high. If you're lucky enough to use your parents' avocado green crockpot from 1970s, that's probably not up to                                                                                         code, use that one.

4. top your diced apples with the cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, instant espresso, and vanilla bean curds.

5. stir, cover, and wait while those apples cook down to soft mushy goodness. This usually takes about 4 hours. Don't forget to stir occasionally!
smash them if you want a chunkier sauce. If you want a smoother one, stick them in a blender and blend until smooth. 

6. if it's not sweet enough, add maple syrup to taste.

now put that deliciousness into some cute, hella basic mason jars and pat yourself on the back. You did it! Store them in your fridge, and pull them out when you need a good fix. Enjoy! 

get to cooking, my PSL friends.

xo,

adrienne.  

let's be realistic: 6th week of change.

finally, finally, spring is officially here in michigan. We haven't seen snow in about 2 weeks, and it was consistently sunny and warm over this past week. Praise the lord, hallelujah.

and with this weather comes with many positives, and a few negatives. Let's get the good out of the way: warm weather = long runs outside, and late nights around the bon fire.

now for the negatives: everything is covered in pollen, and me and pollen don't mix. I was one of those kids who never really got sick or had allergies when I was little. By the time I turned 14, though, I spent about 3 years in and out of doctors' offices and hospital rooms. My allergies kicked in when I was about 15, and they were off the charts. My body rejects most things foreign: all trees (except palm trees), all weeds, most grasses, soy, apples, pears, gluten, hops, cats, and many hearty herbs and flowers. On top of all that, I also have asthma.

so now with every plant/tree coming out of hibernation, my allergies and asthma have been off the charts. My life over the past 10 days has consisted of antihistamines, albuterol, and steroids.

my life, currently.

luckily, though, at 24 years of age I have a system figured out for this time of year. Clean, allergen-free eating; specifically timed medications; closed windows at night; no booze (except a glass of pinot noir, occassionally); and constant showering and laundry to get the pollen off my body. It's annoying, but not that bad and totally do-able! Even better, with this system of pills and treatments, I don't have to sacrifice my running!

pinot noir + popcorn on a saturday night. just call me olivia pope.

i've logged about 26 miles over the last week. I've run more than that weekly before, but I'm still so happy that I'm getting back into my running shape of seasons past. I managed to throw in  6, 7, and 8 mile runs over the weekend and I'm feeling amazing.

still running slow, but I'm finally back in the #25miles a week club.

those miles traveled have helped me clear my mind on a few things. Lately, I've felt like I've been putting in so much energy into my relationships. I feel like I've been clear with my needs and intentions, but I'm not receiving much in return.

and that sucks. 

i've been trying to focus on treating people the way I want to be treated, and making sure I give a little extra to my friendships. I've been focused on this for about 5 months now, but I feel like it hasn't been reciprocated. These solo miles I've put in on the pavement have helped me clear my mind and settle my thoughts on it: just because this effort hasn't been given back now, doesn't mean I'm completely off the good-karma train.

running, as i've said countless times before, makes me so much more level-headed. Things are clearer, I'm calmer, and it puts me in a much better place. If you haven't jumped on my run-wagon, you're missing out!

besides running, coloring books is my therapy. 

anyway, here's my week in review:

wet hair, baby abs poking through, and a messy room. sue me. 

fitness: 26ish miles ran, and some at home yoga #ftw
food: with my allergies in full swing, I've been doing pretty well. Recipes to come!
weight: I honestly haven't been keeping track, whoops ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

cold brew + hemp milk = caffeine and 27g of protein! if you live in southeastern michigan, stop by DROUGHT. it's currently my new raw obsession. 

that's it! Not much more, not much less.

spring on, sprouts!

xo,

adrienne.

recipe sunday: strawberry chocolate cake batter smoothie.

a few weeks ago, when I was stuck in bed with the norovirus, I took to pinterest and started looking up recipes. Now, if you know me, I am a huuuuuuge smoothie fan. In any way, shape, or form. And I kept stumbling across the "cake batter" protein shake. I kept finding various cake batter flavored recipes for spreads, smoothies, and ice cream. The key ingredient? Almond extract.

yeah, i know. I was surprised too! I thought you were only capable of getting cake batter taste (yum) the good old fashion way: by baking a cake. Yep, my mind was blown. So I decided to make a version of my own:

strawberry chocolate cake batter smoothie.

here's what you need:

1/2 cup coconut milk (or any other milk)
1 tsp cocoa powder
1 scoop vanilla vegan protein powder (or whichever one you like; here's my favorite)
2 medium sized bananas
1/2 cup chopped strawberries
1 drop almond extract (a little goes a loooooooong way, so be careful!)
2 cups ice

here's what you do:

1. cut up bananas and strawberries.
2. place ingredients in blender in the above order. The order is important! The weight of ice, and then the fruit, pushes all of the ingredients down into the blades creating a  smoother smoothie.
3. blend away!

this recipe packs in about 26g of protein, making it the perfect breakfast/lunch/post workout smoothie. Depending on what type of milk and protein powder you use, it's vegan and gluten free too!

blend on, baby.

xo,

adrienne.

let's be realistic: 5th week of change.

hi, my name is adrienne and I ate a hotpocket. And it was good. Really good. So good that I almost didn't regret, with 100% of my being, eating it. Almost. I needed to be honest, but... i digress.

ann arbor murals: we named her gloria shakira maria del toro.

now that it's the 5th week of change, I can honestly say that I'm seeing some legitimate change. I obviously still have the some of the same terrible no good fatty  indulgent, 100% human tendencies when it comes to food. I also, though, have a lot of motivation to go try something new, and embrace the growing green gardens of the spring. I feel leaner; it takes far less energy to complete the hardest of tasks, and I greet the easiest ones with gusto.

this past week has been relatively good, all things considered. There were some major ups, and a couple of downs, but plenty of room for growth.

my childhood summed up in one picture: Dairy Deluxe.

for some reason, this past week was crazy stressful with my work. It was just one of those weeks where I started off slightly negative but with every day I ended up in a worse mood. I was in a bit of a funk. I've had a lot on my mind regarding grad school, my career, my relationships, my life. I've been worried about my best friends, and the trials life keeps putting them through. I've been worried about the girls I watch, and how badly I just want them to be okay. The funk I was in took over completely.

yes, i definitely rubbed the buddha belly.

so what did i do? I ran. I definitely pushed my body, 1 week post bed-ridden, harder than I should have. But the runs healed me. I didn't run fast at all (averaged a 10min mile). And I definitely didn't run far (averaged 3.5 miles per run). But I did it. I gave my body and mind exactly what I needed, when I needed it.

i gave myself a major time out. I had lost my presence in my own life. I had lost grip of my dreams, and set in to a stagnant pace. And that's something I hate. So I grabbed a latte, snagged my kindle, and headed out into nature to try to get back to where I needed to be.

everything i needed: sunshine, good reads, and fresh air. 

but what else did I need? A nice day trip to Ann Arbor.

an ann arbor favorite: Frita Batidos.

my classic feast: Frita Batido's chorizo burger w/ fries, and the hibiscus batido (milkshake).

ann arbor, my college town, is where I grew up. Though it was over the course of an undergrad bachelors degree, post-high-school and pre-adulthood, it was where I developed into the person I am today. Check it out if you ever get the chance.

hot guys, cold hand crafted drinks. 

and then the cutest couple you'll ever meet.

post ann arbor, there was some awesome meal prep for the upcoming week. I made some vegan, gluten-free kale falafel bites (the perfect on-the-go food) and a bomb ass natural, skinny margarita. Recipes coming soon!

the falafel mise en place. 

10g of protein, 100% vegan goodness.

because cooking is better with a good German riesling. 

and now, here's my week in review!

weight: stayed the same, but I'm starting to see my hip flexors again! Yay for gains!
food: besides the hotpocket and some pizza, I'd call it a good week.
physical activity: logged about 12 miles, and got in 3 nike training workouts

all-in-all, I'm looking forward to this upcoming week. It luckily won't be another 45 hour week of straight work, but it'll be a great week of working productivity.

shine bright, my diamonds. 

xo.

adrienne.