Friday, June 26, 2015

it's been a while. i can explain.

it's been about 3 weeks since I last posted anything. Longer than that if you consider anything of substance.

i'm not going to lie: it's been a tough few months.

i feel disappointed. I feel disappointed by the lack of support I have in a lot of areas of my life. My dad, I know, is my biggest supporter and cheerleader in my life and he's gone out of his way to make sure I know/feel his support of me, my life, and my choices. He's gone so far above and beyond to make me feel  important and loved, because he knows that I don't get those feelings from a lot of other people in my life.

i've been experiencing a lot of revelations about life/relationships lately. But I think the hardest realization I've had to come to is that in moments of pure distress, confusion, and pain, the people who we care for the most can be the ones who let us down the hardest.

fighting myself is the hardest battle i've ever had to endure. And right now, I'm storming the beaches of Normandy. Instead of having a strong army behind me, though, I feel like I'm only 1 man strong. I need more than that, unfortunately.

it's a hard place to be. I need so much more support and a little bit more love, but also everyone else in my life is also fighting their own battles so I don't want to ask that of everyone else. I feel like I give and give and give, and try to support all of my friends (when they need it the most, and when they need it the least), but the reciprocation isn't quite there. I don't want to ask for the things that I need, because 1) I'll be labeled as dramatic, 2) I'll be told I'm overreacting, 3) I will be told my feelings are made up 4) my reality is distorted, and most importantly 5) it's wrong for me to ask for it when everyone else is fighting battles of their own.

i feel left out. And unfortunately it's at the 5th grade level: being excluded from fun things, especially those that I love. It's really frustrating when you've been into something for years, and have spent just as much time trying to get your friends/family on board, and then everyone miraculously discovers it and leaves you out of participating in it. Like really? Every time I've asked you if you want to go for a run you give me a long story about how you can't run/hate running/would die/could never keep up/running before 10am is torture/etc. And then you start running consistently, but when I ask if you'd like to sign up for a 5k it's as if I asked you to have your teeth pulled electively. And then you sign yourself up for a different 5k, and don't tell me about it. Oh? Oh really? No, that's totally fine I'm completely cool with that slap in the face.

i understand that you're busy. We're all busy. We all are. But you're really too busy call back? You can't take 10 seconds to shoot a txt? You can't take out an hour of your time to grab lunch, catch up, see how it's going? To hang out with you, I'd move heaven and earth to make it happen.

i feel so unvalued. I feel like my impact on others is so minimal, that it barely registers or makes a difference. It's like I'm not worth their time, and they don't care. What's worse is that I don't even feel devalued. If I felt devalued, it would imply that I had value before. I just feel unvalued. I'm sorry I'm not worth enough to be invited along for a girls' night, to go out to dinner, to have fun at the casinos, or even to get a call to see how I'm doing. I'm sorry.

i'm struggling so much, I can feel myself breaking. I know I should control the controllables and relinquish control for those that I can't. But I have the controllables under control; they aren't what's hurting me. It's the things out of my control that are the most painful. I can't control other people and, unfortunately, I get so much from just being with other people that them not wanting to have me be apart of their life (the good and bad) is devastating.

this isn't a call for attention. That needs to be absolutely, crystal clear. I'm not looking for sympathy, handouts, pity. I'm venting because I'm overwhelmed. I'm drowning. I am so over feeling unvalued, left out, and disappointed, and I have no where else to express my feelings outside of this rarely viewed, blip of a blog in a dark corner of the internet.

i'm tired.

i'm exhausted.

but i'm holding on in hope that things get better. I have this blog, which gives me something to work on while I heal. Please, bare with me. I will have good days. I will have bad days. What's important, though, is that I am lucky enough  and blessed enough to simply have 'days'.



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